Saturday, December 31, 2005
Will go quickly.
As quick as water down the drain, and smoke up the chimney. As quickly as $2.69 per gallon of gasoline goes through a 22.4 mpg car.
So my big little man, we will try to slow it down. We won't hurry. We will try not to scurry, and just take
Sometimes I want to wake you up from a nap, so I can see you smile, laugh and bat your hands at your toys, picking them up and gumming them. But I know you need your sleep, because, did you know you GROW in your sleep?
Yep. And your daddy weighed you yesterday. Twenty pounds. No wonder I can hardly pick you up when you're in the car seat. Sheesh. But you're not fat, not even a bit chubby as babies go. You're lean. Like your daddy.
So, back to
It has wings. It flies. You'll see. One day you won't be able to reach the sink, then one day, you will. And you'll hardly have blinked your eyes.
I love you Eddie, I love you all the time in the world. All the hours, minutes and seconds. With wings.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
He just woke up and rubbed his eyes. Oh My Gosh is that cute or what. Then he smiles at me. (melt) He watches me blowdry my hair, curl it, and then watches me silently while I put makeup on. He recognizes me both ways. Amazing. That's the word of the year. He's here and he's now. And they are both mine. (mine mine mine) I hope to never forget what it feels like to be watching over him all day and night. It's exhausting, fun, hilarious, tiring, giggly, silly, and sometimes exacerbating. And I love every second of every minute of every month of it.
I can't wait until now. I can't wait until then. I can't believe this is happening to me. (you can't know until you know) I don't want to wait anymore. I'll take each minute as they come. I promise to not 'wait' until you can talk to take you to the zoo. I promise not to 'wait' until you can walk to take you to an amusement park. I promise not to wait.
And you apparently can't wait any longer to get that diaper off your butt. Gotta go, can't wait.
So we won't wait.
I won't wait until I love you more. I couldn't possibly wait. One. More. Minute. I love you this much. Now.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
I think we take it for granted. Our Heart. As you lay sleeping my precious little baby boy, your heart is beating. And as of a few minutes ago, your heart has beat no less than 18, 390, 672 times. And you have taken over 3,831,390 breaths. May you continue to take many, many more.
I also think that we take our time with each other for granted. There are times when I'm trying to finish the dishes and you're paging me. Sigh. I get just the slightest bit irritable, thinking, "gosh, I just need to get something done". And to snap me out of it, I turn to you and say "I love you". Then you smile. Irritation gone. Dishes still in sink. But I'm not going to take you for granted.
My heart beats for you. When you were just a little little baby, resting you close to me regulated your heart beat. And your temperature. And having you so close to me bonds us together in more ways than we will *ever* understand. It is the invisible mark you have on me. You know my heart beat from anyone else. It is music to your ears. It is bursting full overflowing and infinitely capable of love for you. Beating out a song of love that any mother instantly knows even if she's never heard it before.
Rest easy my dear child. Your heart will keep beating. Your lungs will keep breathing. And I will keep loving.
Sunday, December 11, 2005
I thought for sure you'd be crankier than an old wet hen but you've proven to me, yet again, that you're resilient, flexible, and that you are your Mommy's baby. Nothing keeps you from eating. Not even mouth pain.
And now you're wanting "real food". I see you. At the table, mouthing and mimicing us. Pushing your lips together, gums touching two "wittle" teeth. And when I put a spoon to your mouth you open WIDE like a little birdie. And OH MY GOSH the glass issue. Your arms flailing that serious look impending on your face, you look like you are getting ready for takeoff. Grabbing the glass with your hands that don't quite know what to do with themselves yet....and somehow you know that glass goes to mouth.
Christmas is right around the corner. And so are your two front teeth. I'm lucky enough to catch glimpses of them all day long, because you smile a LOT.
Monday, December 05, 2005
You are becoming so much more aware of where you are now too. That is so much fun - your eyes drink it in, sipping every last bit into your head. You aren't scared at all. And if you ever are, just remember I'll be right there to hold you and comfort you.
I'll take you everywhere with me. I love you.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
We live in a beautiful place. The air is clean. That's because the wind blows, mostly in a Northern direction, and it blows a lot. Most days we don't mind. Or we're getting used to it. Spring and Fall are best here, not too hot, not too cold. Winter can be cccccold. Summer can be h o t. But not as hot as 'down the hill'. Speaking of which, we have a BEAUTIFUL VIEW. Of down the hill, that is. We have lived up here since you were an itty bitty baby in my belly. Since December 22nd, 2004.
We moved up here in the middle of winter and it was COLD!!! Your Daddy built our fence out of cross-arms and wire that was dumped into bins to be recycled. But he recycled it first. Into a nice fence around half of our property. In 21 days we will have lived up here for a year. And you will be six months old and one day. Soon we will have a house for you to play in, to scoot around on all fours, doorways for you to bounce up and down in your Johnny Jump Up Jumper. And we'll probably get you a walker so you can scoot around in that too. You'll learn lots of things in that house. It will be a house of Firsts. Our First house, your first house, your first steps, your first fall. And we'll of course kiss it and make it feel better.
We live in a nice place. You'll like it here I promise. We will make this place our HOME.
Friday, November 18, 2005
Sick today. Yep. And you still smiled. UNBELIEVABLE. You are a trooper. Woke up this morning at 5:12AM and had a stuffy runny nose, and a fever. Took your temperature and it was 100.8 ~ not a true emergency, afterall, a fever's purpose is to spike, enough to "kill" whatever is trying to invade the body. I cleaned your eyes with a warm, damp washcloth, and then suctioned your nose with a bulb syringe, seeing as you don't know how to blow your nose yet. You are only a few days away from being five months old.
Then I sprayed some saline up your nose. Boy oh boy how you hate that. Turning your head this way and that. But, we got something accomplished and you smiled. Haha! I can't believe after waking up with a FEVER, A runny nose, and goopy eyes, you SMILED. You're unbelievable kid. I thought for SURE you'd be crying, cranky and inconsolable. Nope, not you.
Around 6:00AM I gave you a half dose of some cold medicine thinking it might help you feel better. No sooner than half a minute later, you vomited all over your daddy, me and the bed. Guess you didn't like the taste of that medicine. And I mean to tell you, it wasn't just a little spit up; it was projectile and plentiful. Yuck. Another good use for the phrase "no use crying over spilt (spitup?) milk. I crack myself up.
Ahem, anyhow, I called the doctor's office and the answering service told me to call back after 8AM. So you nursed a bit and we dozed off while Daddy left for work. Woke up and called the doctor's office again. No openings. Uh oh. Oh wait, she said, I can put him in the "procedure clinic". Ok, can you be here @ 9:15? (It was 8:30) I said YES, we'll be there. (We live 45 minutes away, and I still had pajamas on) We were off and not like a herd of turtles either. We didn't make it at 9:15. We arrived @ 9:30, but they signed us in anyway. Nice ladies.
Weighed you a few minutes later @ 18 lbs. 7 ozs. (that's an 11lb weight gain in just shy of five months) and then guess who we saw? Yep, you guessed right, Dr. Keidel, our family practice doctor who helped Dr. Avants to deliver you. He came over, hugged us and carried you to the exam room. We gushed and "oohed" over you for a few minutes, exchanging niceties and then he said you'd be fine. He explained to me what fever was for, and how to tell if you're getting through it fine, or whether you need medical attention. Turns out we could have stayed home. But I'm glad we went, glad we got to see Dr. Keidel and also, Dr. Chand gave me a real nice compliment. He said I am a good mom.
So, out to the car we went, my mind at ease after showing the doctor the Baby Vicks, Saline Spray, Cold Medicine, the bulb syringe, and having described our cool mist vaporizer - feeling like I could get you well on my own. Ok, but with a little field trip to grandma's work, then to the chiropractor for an added oomph for our immune systems.
Now you're in bed. Had a bath with menthol and eucalyptus infused water, and Baby Vicks rubbed into your chest, compliments of Daddy. Fresh clean and soft pajama's, some nursing, and you were out like a light.
Sick today. And still smiled. I'm smiling too, feeling like I did good by you, making sure you will get well. Taking care of you the best way I know how. It never occured to me that I would NOT be a good mom. But it sure is nice to hear it. I guess if I listen closely, shhhh..... I can hear it ~ in your smile.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
We saw the movie Dreamer, about a Thoroughbred Race Horse that broke her leg, and the broken family that she helped to complete. It was a very good movie. I would say that it was mostly about not giving up, and seeing what you have, instead of what you don't. I'd buy it.
You were a little cranky yesterday, I kept thinking "why is he cranky?" and although you made it through most of the movie quietly, we could tell you didn't feel really good. I thought you were mostly tired.
Then you didn't sleep well for the third night in a row. When we woke up this morning you were a bit congested and had a nasal discharge AKA: Runny Nose. I took your temperature, it was 98.4 degrees F and gave you some saline nasal mist which you HATE and resist with your near 18 pounds, but it made you able to breathe better. I ran some hot water in the shower to make the air more moist and also put a kettle of water on the stove to simmer and steam.
Then, I gave you some Tylenol. I hate giving you that. But, sure enough half an hour later, you were resting peacefully breathing well and comfortable in your co-sleeper. That was almost an hour and a half ago. I keep checking on you, making sure you're ok. And now that I think about it, I don't feel so hot either. I'm drinking "Baby Tea" and it seems to help me feel better, and is supposed to be good for you too. Today I'm going to drink lots of water, get some sunshine and take naps with you. Right after I finish the dishes, fold the laundry, make the bed, take a shower, get dressed and straighten up the house. *sigh*
It's all about You My Boy. When you don't feel good, I don't feel good. When you're happy, I'm happy. When you're cranky, I'm cranky. Funny how that is, that a human being can be SO in SYNCH with another. I think it's meant to be, God gave us that instinct, so we would best know how to care for our offspring. Our blessings. Our gifts. You are my gift, the one I get to open again and again, throughout each day and every beautiful morning. I will never get tired of this gift. And when I think about how very precious you are, I feel better. And maybe, just maybe, when I feel better, you might feel better.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
I am so distracted lately, I just realized that I never sent out your Birth Announcements. I thought jokingly, maybe I should send those out with your 1st Birthday Party invitations....but really, I do feel like I've procrastinated on some important stuff. But if I shove it into focus with the "Big Picture" it seems meaningless. Meaningless compared to all the mornings we've spent with Daddy giggling and all the naptimes we've snuggled looking into each others eyes, smiling at one another. Singing in the car, shopping together, meeting with GG Roc Roc, Grandma and Auntie Jenn for lunches.
You are already wearing 6-9 months size clothing. You are 17lbs and 4 ozs and amazingly 27" tall. These stats as of Monday November 7th. On which date you received your second set of vaccinations. You cried so hard. But not for long. I winced for you, when she put the little tiny needle in your thigh, knowing you'd be hurt. Your eyes blue shone through those stinging tears and gave me quite a look. You got over it quickly though, as I knew you would.
Just like me you are; quick to anger but easy to please. Volatile I guess you could call us. What a good baby he is, everyone exclaims. I never thought you would be any other way. It never occurred to me that you mightn't sleep through the night, or be a "happy" baby vs. a fussy baby. Oh sure, you have your moments, as we all do. But you're pretty clear what you want and need. Diaper change, food, cuddles, sleep, play. That's about it for you at this point. You like to suck your thumb. I did too.
You are growing so fast. I love you. I love you more than anything in the world. And so does your Daddy.
Monday, November 07, 2005
We ate dinner at home, with you at my breast, eating your dinner. Then we packed your diaper bag and got ready to go. Took you to GG Roc Roc's and then we put you in the crib in her guest room. You slept the whole time. Daddy and I went to Auntie Jenn's house for a birthday party for Victoria and had a good time.
And every other minute was spent on you. I wondered if you were still sleeping, if you were comfortable, and hoped that you didn't wake up and cry for me; for that would have broken my heart. I couldn't wait to see you again, sleeping in your 'jammies and turning your head back and forth like you do when your sleep is interrupted.
I knew you were safe, and that GG Roc Roc would take good care of you, but I missed you something fierce. I showed too many people your pictures on my phone, which I kept checking for a missed call......
When we got back from the party it was about three hours after we dropped you off. It felt like an eternity. I was so happy to see you my heart was pounding and I felt so relieved that you were ok. We put you in the middle of the bed and Daddy and I crawled in on either side, we snuggled, you nursed a little bit and then we all fell fast asleep.
Ahhh, what sweet bliss to be with my baby again. I had fun at the party, it was nice to be out and enjoy music and drink with friends. It was a nice night, not too cold and there was a big fire. The evening was complete. But not until you were back in my arms.
Saturday, November 05, 2005
You won't know him, "Uncle Mikey". You won't remember him. You could barely hold your head up when he died. Funny guy that Mikey. He was the best Brother-In-Law I never had. Would have been the 'cool' Uncle to you, like I had w/Uncle Doug. Probably would have taught you to have people pull your finger and then fart. You would have looked up to him and wanted him to take you for a ride on his "moped". Your Auntie Jenn loved him very much and probably still does. And probably always will. He had big blue eyes and a crooked smile, with dark hair and had big tattoos that you probably would have been fascinated with. Poking him in the arm and then running away from him, giggling with gleeful fright.
He was only 25 years old when he died. Too young. Our whole family struggled with the very idea that he was gone, all of us aching with our hearts in slings for Auntie Jenn and Mikey's family too. I happen to believe that God will only give us as much as we can handle, and apparently, the people who knew and loved Mikey can handle a LOT. A lot more than I'm comfortable with.
The service was at the Harvest Church in Riverside and it was the nicest and saddest service I could have dreamt of. There was live music, and his bike in the front with his helmet and boots, flowers and the whole place was filled with people. The slide show of pictures played with songs from the heart was wrenching. Drawing out tears like a salve does with poison. Stinging with pain and laughing with joy at the funny antics Mikey would pull.
Then the picture of Mikey and Jenn holding you. That will be your missing memory. It is hard even still, nearly two months later to even look at the picture without tears. You won't know the grief, the pain, and the saddest thing is, you won't know his laugh, his humor, his sincerity, and funny enough, his farts.
Friday, November 04, 2005
Here's a synopsis of our mornings;
5am get up with Daddy - nurse a bit, change diaper, daddy burps baby, and then makes coffee. Baby nurses while daddy showers and gets dressed. Then daddy burps baby again while mommy sips coffee, ahhh sweet coffee. Baby poops, mommy changes diaper, then baby wants to nurse again. It is now 6:30am. Daddy leaves for work, Heidi whines and looks out the window and baby falls asleep around 7am.
Mommy spends about an hour at the computer, emailing, catching up with friends and family and making oatmeal, finishing the coffee.
8am baby wakes up and wants attention, we change diaper, play a bit, then nurse some.
9am, give baby a bath, dry baby off, put lotion or "foo foo" as daddy calls it, all the while talking and singing to each other. Smiling all the way.
Let baby be naked for a while, clean up peepee then diaper baby and make him irritable while dressing him (he hates shirts that go over his head, 99% of what he wears is such) and at 9:25 nurse for 15 minutes then he wants to play.
9:45 put baby on leapfrog play mat and he bats and grabs at his links and other toys.
10:15 he is done playing, starting to fall asleep. While he's playing I'm folding laundry, answering my phone, mom calls, grandma calls and make a call to daddy.
Do the dishes, go potty, put another load of laundry in, clean out purse, take trash out and I can't believe it's already 11:00am when he calls out for me. Wide Awake and HUNDRY. Get a glass of water, pick him up and smile awhile then sit down to nurse. He grins at me, unable to smile and eat at the same time. I look around, there is still vacuuming to get done, dusting, windows to wash, mirrors to clean, tub to scrub and a bed to be made and the day is almost half over. Time for lunch, I'm gonna need some energy.
Some days run into others, with none of the above getting done. But it's all in the name of love, the dust that sits here day after day waiting for the dust cloth and orange oil. It waits patiently, for the working mother.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
My smiley baby. Never a cry for no reason. And I respond as soon as I can, so that you don't think I'm not listening, or that I forgot. Roots and Wings, I told myself, when you were born, those were the two things that I would concentrate on, your whole life. Roots that go deep, so that you would always know where "home" is, and Wings to fly, to find your own way.
I love when I laugh loudly, it scares you and then you look at me and laugh, because it is funnier than it was scary. That makes me feel like you have already been given a good start on humor. And there are always the mornings, my regular little man, when your eyes lock on, you hold your breath and then.....pppppphhhhhfffftttttttttttthhh. I giggle hopelessly every time and your daddy and I always say we're going to video tape that to be shown at your 16th birthday bash. There are so many things to love about you. Even your tantrums, which you threw a doozie yesterday in the DMV, after waiting for better than an hour with me, in your carrier, mostly sleeping on my chest. But you were determined to REALLY tell me how you felt. You hadn't forgotten that I listen. We got through it, and I was proud of myself that I wasn't ashamed of my crying baby, too worried about what others might think, and I held my place in line. By the time we got to the clerk, you were smiling at the Indian kid behind us. You little Corker.
I'll probably forget a lot more than I'll remember, but you can bet the memories will be infused with love and laughter, not matter what. I will never forget how much I love you.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Just sitting here thinking about my sister Jenn and how I love her and wish I could get a little closer to her, to give her strength and lend God's voice to her in a comforting way.
Thinking about our new house, the escrow monies, the DMV, the dogs vaccination schedule and the carpet in desperate need of a vacuuming. The horse needs fed and I still haven't gotten to Costco to get those prints put on a CD for your Aunt Re and your Grandma Marie and I probably should send one to Uncle Louie ?.... Can't remember if I gave one to Jenn or GG Roc Roc or even Grandma. Ugh. *sigh*
And the chiropractor - need to get there today. I'm going to have to get back in bed. And you'll make me smile, and forget about all the stuff we have GOT to get done, for a minute. And then we'll get up, and I'll feel better for just having smiled with you for a while.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
*Sigh* I made a list. Sometimes (ok, most times) I don't get to everything on it, but we get it all done eventually. Feed the horse, bathe the baby, bathe the mommy, put Heidi in her crate before we leave, grocery store, car wash, my my my. Gotta go!!!
Monday, October 31, 2005
Our days run into each other, with no regard to what was left behind or what might be ahead. Tuesdays we might go grocery shopping, or Sundays we might stay home all day in our pajama's until noon. Thursdays we might go visiting Grandma or GG RocRoc (great grandma) or meet them for lunch where we giggle and laugh together and try to feed the baby ice water and touch a lemon wedge to his tongue just to see his sour face. There are days where naps are long and baths are taken twice, and others where mom's had two cups of coffee instead of one, which makes for short short naps and early bedtimes.
All in all, I'm so glad for each day I have. I'm so so very blessed and am grateful to God every day for the life I've created, by many mis-steps and some purposely directional choices that has landed me here. On THIS day. A Monday. Where when I have to get up and go to work, it is for my son. At home. The best job a Mother could love.
Friday, October 28, 2005
(five minutes later)
A short trip down Diaper Change Lane and we're back, baby and blanket in tow, now he's on Nursery Row having a bit of breakfast. He's getting to the age where nursing can not be the only thing he does, I guess this would be called infant multitasking. He's nursing, only to stop and stare wide eyed at the reflection of the sun on the window behind us. Blinking half a minute later, he looks at me like, "hey, what happened to breakfast, I'm trying to eat here" and he goes back to nursing. One minute later he's staring at the deaf dog Heidi chewing on her rawhide. Sensory Input must be more important than food input at this time.
I laugh at him, and he startles, his eyes wide he looks at me as though he forgot he wasn't alone.. then he smiles, his toothless grin and eyes shining love in it's purest form - then he promptly puts his thumb in his mouth, seeing how I wasn't fast enough. This kind of breakfast could take years. He's staring off at the refridgerator, the washer and listening to the hum of the dryer. Which is probably the 5th load of laundry this week. I am amazed at how much laundry a small addition to a family of two can make....
My feet are still cold, but my lap is warm. He's found more interest in looking around rather than eating so I'm here typing with him between me and the keyboard. He's starting to teeth, slobbering and biting on things (his fingers, my fingers, his chew toys) and he's only four months and one week old, and growing so lightening fast. I can hardly believe he was only 7 lbs and 7 ozs at birth. He's GOT to be 16 ++ pounds by now.
We're off to feed the horse now, into the stroller we go - and my feet are bound to get colder. His, are still in his footed pajama's.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
It's just that simple, don't take in more calories than you are active. But how come it's so complicated? I'm breastfeeding my child, so I have to be careful with restricted calorie intake, lest my milk start to dry up. I need lots of protein, fresh fruit and veggies, and water water and more water. I think I know what it is. I'm not active enough. And there is no real nutritional need for Oreo's and milk at 11pm.
According to those height/weight charts, at 5 feet 3 inches tall, I should weigh approximately 130 pounds. That means I have to lose 50 pounds?!?!? (I haven't weighed that since I was in 8th grade). Although, I have weighed 145 and that was a perfect weight for me. I wore a size 9 without bulges and my breasts weren't quite so pendulous. (will I regret writing that in a blog?) So, what's the plan? (I'm asking out loud here). . . Walking, three to five times per week, for a minimum of 30 minutes. I can do that. Around here, there are lots of hills, so it is initially intimidating until you actually GET THE STROLLER out, pop on the tennis shoes and GO! Oh and I must not forget that rain doesn't count either, I can jump in the car with the kid and get to the nearest mall. Although, that might be tempting - and expensive. But hey, at each ten pound interval, I can reward myself with one new clothing item that fits!
So I start today, and if it isn't an unreasonable goal, I'd like to lose 35 pounds by the time my son is one year old. There we have it folks, a bona fide goal in writing - can't back out now. Or should I say back 'space'. I just really need to do it, and to find the motivation from within, instead of from a magazine, book, or ad on tv for weight loss surgery, it has to come from ME to be real and long lasting.
Off I go to look up a few articles on dieting while breastfeeding and try to adapt it to a lifestyle change, instead of a short term goal. Eddie Jr., this time I mean it.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
I wanted to be the kind of "mother" that wrote it all down, the dr. visits, the ultrasounds, putting together a keepsake of all keepsakes to treasure. Little did I know that the treasure was yet still inside of me. I didn't write anything down. I can't tell you when I first felt him kick for sure, nor could I tell you when I started to get heartburn and when I finally felt that the pregnancy was really real.
I can only say that now I am so glad he's here and if I never write anything down again for as long as I live, I will never forget each day before and after he was born. He is my morning cup of coffee and my evening herbal tea, and every happy thought in between. The ultimate sacrifice of personal time, and yet, funny enough, I don't remember what I did with all of my time before him.
I couldn't be happier with my life now that he has been born. Every day I get to give him all I've got, whether I have a lot or a little. It doesn't matter to him if I stay in my pajama's until noon, or that we may not go anywhere but to feed the horse for two days in a row.
I didn't write it down, but it's written in my heart's history never to be forgotten or misplaced. I will always remember the password to my heart. It is my son.