You're a Teenager Now

Nearly four and a half years have passed since I last posted within this blog.  Do we call these things blogs anymore? Or is that old school, now?

You're fourteen and a half now and taller than me and you weigh about 115 pounds. And you currently have the flu.  I sat at my desk today and somehow stumbled upon old photos, a towering, uneven pile of paperwork that needs to be filed and this old blog.

A lot has changed in four and a half years - so much that it's overwhelming to think about, let alone write down. Somehow writing it all down seems necessary.

In January 2016 your grandmother died by suicide. I'm still not quite sure how we got through that year.

In January 2017 I had neck surgery to fuse discs c5 and c6.  This would prove to alleviate symptoms immediately but the "domino effect" of degenerative disc disease has shown itself to be a great physical challenge.

In March of 2017 your daddy was diagnosed with a malignant process; Marginal Nodal Zone Lymphoma - a rare type of Non-Hodgkins cancer.  I'm not quite sure, once again, how we made it through this year, either.  I remember in the summer of 2017, when he was particularly sick, you came into the bedroom and with tears in your eyes said, "I'm gonna lose my daddy when I'm 12 years old." I could barely speak.

In February, on the 12th, of 2018 your daddy died.  You were 12 years old. We were driving the truck to the hospital in Chapel Hill listening to the CD "The Little Soul and the Sun." When the phone rang I knew who it was and what they were going to say. I pulled over and stopped the truck and we sat there for a minute trying to absorb what we had been told. You said, "Mom, what's going to happen to us?" I said, "We are going to be okay, buddy."  And we are.

I'm so sorry that your daddy got sick and died. I'm sorry if I wasn't there for you like I should have been, or like you needed me to. It was complicated - me grieving and at the same time trying to comfort you and all at once trying to do normal things like cook, and pay bills and split and stack wood and keep us warm. I'm certain I didn't do well in a lot of areas that entire year. This is something you'll understand more as you get older and take on more responsibilities. I don't expect you to understand right now.

2018 was rough. This was a year of reaching for the supposed balance of a new normal.  We did some fun things: We went to Pigeon Forge, Tennessee with Rusty and Becky for a long weekend. You went to New Jersey for the first time to visit with Papa Lou, Mimi Carol and Aunt Elise. You went to Carowinds with Diezel and Mia.  You spent time with Henry and his family.  In between all of that we tried to catch up with home school and keep up with the house and the property and the wood stove. We had a lot of support from the community and from friends and family.

Then, all of the sudden, it was 2019 and the wood stove was leaking and I was feeling overwhelmed and wanted to sell the house.  There were so many things that needed to be fixed and I wasn't able to work because of my neck. I had some decisions to make.

In March I made some decisions that I didn't really think would affect us like they did.  The rest of that year was a whirlwind, too.  But in really good ways.  It's January 15, 2020 and we live in Albemarle now - you're in eighth grade and you're getting really good grades and doing well adjusting to public school; making friends, learning different things, and you have a consistent schedule.

...to be continued....