For my son

Kindergarten, and more...

2011-10-09T14:27:00.000-04:00

So last year (2010-2011 school year) Eddie started Kindergarten as a five-year-old and although we really liked his teachers, we felt like, after several weeks of school, things just weren't right. Something wasn't right. I can't tell you specifically which incident weighed more heavily than another, but overall, my boy was not happy. Not that children have to be "happy" all the time, but he was miserable. Crying before he even got on the bus, crying when he got off the bus, seemingly "in trouble" at school because he talked to his classmates, fidgeted in line, at his desk, and while at lunch, too.

Sounds like a five-year-old to me.

So, after ~~a snap decision~~ many in-depth discussions about the pros and cons of Kindergarten we decided to pull Eddie out of school and let him stay home one more year to "just be a little boy." Although the State of North Carolina law says that a young male does not have to attend school until the age of 7, you would have thought that we were breaking the law the way some people reacted. My loving family supported our decision, although (we won't name names) there were still some that had reservation in their voices when they said, "Oh, you're keeping him home this year?".....

While friends and neighbors ~~minded their own business and understood our motives~~ gave us "those looks" and said things like, "aren't your concerned that he won't be able to socialize," and "what if he's the oldest one in his class?" we shrugged them off as well-intentioners and followed our hearts for our child.

I am so glad we did.

This last August, (2011-2012 school year) when Eddie started Kindergarten (again) he was with his same teacher, Mrs. J and while the first few days were an adjustment, after a couple weeks into the school year, he started coming home saying things like, "Mommy, we learned about "W" today," and, "Daddy, what does "B-U-S spell?" telling us that he was ready to start learning.

Now he's asking me to read multiple books to him every night, attempting to recognize words, read along, point to the words as I read, and I am just ecstatic! He comes home from school and as he exits the bus, he is smiling. This is such a change from just a year ago. He is really maturing and having that last year at home to "just be" really enabled him to be more secure I believe.

Equally charming as it is annoying, he now hones in on every single piece of scrap paper, junk mail, sticky note and sometimes, bills *gasp* to write on and ask about spelling. He writes his name on everything!! He talks of learning how to recognize and write numbers (make an "S", don't be late, go back up and close the gate - this makes an 8 - so cute!) as he does this little "sing-song" rhyme that helps him to memorize letters and numbers.

Yeah, he is well-socialized, he's older than most of the kids in his class and he's doing great. We'll try to keep from him the fact that he'll be able to write his own absence excuse notes the majority of his Senior year of high school. I'm pretty sure he'll be ok with being the first one to drive in his Sophomore year.

I think it's important that while some parents use school as a daycare, for the rest of us to realize that we only get one chance to rear our children. One chance to let them "be a kid" and only one chance at not making mistakes that will affect them negatively for life. Not that we should or shouldn't do things for fear of being summoned to the Jerry Spring or Oprah Show (not to be compared, but just as examples) but we should listen to our hearts when something "isn't right" and explore, for the child's sake, what the options are.

So, that's it. No pictures, just a happy mom on her soap box. Feel free to borrow it anytime you like.

Amen.

Dear Eddie

2011-03-27T23:28:00.001-04:00

Dear Eddie,

You are five years, 9 months, and 6 days old. Don't ask me to count the hours, minutes and seconds just because I just got an "A" on my math final, I can't do it. Well, that's not true, I can; but I don't want to.

I'd rather tell you that you are a very special young child and that I love you so much I can scarcely breathe sometimes. Right now you are interested in all things "Daddy". Tools, motorcycles, four-wheelers, and basically anything with a motor. You know the difference between a flat-head and Phillips screwdriver and also know the "lefty-loosey, righty-tighty" trick, too.

You don't drink soda. You would eat candy for breakfast if we'd let you and while you love the outdoors, and riding your bike, you also love to watch movies. You're getting past the point of wanting Mommy to read books to you, which I miss terribly, but I also understand that you're spreading your wings a bit and exploring different things. Anytime you want me to read you a book, I will, okay? Even when you're 'too old' for it.

Sometimes it probably seems as if your father and I are hard on you - expecting you to behave and be respectful as you learn to navigate this sometimes rocky path of life - but we love you more than anything and want only to teach you everything we can so that you can make the best choices possible as you get older.

Every once in a while we get reminded that you're only five. So if we seem impatient or in a hurry, please know that you are the best thing in our world. We love you.

Love, forever and ever,

Mommy

2010-07-23T11:07:00.000-04:00

Eddie and Olivia, and a slinky.

on a spring morning

after a bike ride

Sam is a control freak. That's her on the right.

Olivia is leaving with the slinky.

Looks like Eddie got it back, Olivia comes back for more.

uh-oh

Olivia holds fast.

Eddie regroups.

what now?

Olivia tries again.

She makes a run for it, misses, but produces the best photograph for last.

Little boys, their dogs, bike, and spring mornings - things to live for!

about time

2010-07-01T22:16:00.000-04:00

Since it's ~~been an entire year and a half~~ only been 18 months (do I see a pattern here ?) (see post titled: Time flies when you're chasing a toddler. ) since I've posted here, I thought I'd come over and let you know that a.) I do still exist and b.) so does my son and c.) I will shortly be a certified professional procrastinator. and d.) why do so many people stop at "c" ? Come to my graduation from "she's smarter than a first grader", would you?

We have been graced with 18 months of memory-making-extravaganzas and there are pictures strewn digitally hither and dither. (see section c. above) I'd like to say that I've organized all photos categorically and by date, but it just wouldn't be accurate. Or, true at all.

So, the real reason I'm here is because I've been inspired to blog more often, here and over at the farm and with regularity (see section c. above, if you so desire). It's in essence akin to making lists and then starting new lists because you can't find the original list. You want to find an accomplice when you attempt these audacious ambitions. Your kid is a good scapegoat. It's all about him, you know. So, that's why I haven't been here, I've been HERE. Present. Accounted for. And, since he's now five years old he makes announcements like "Mom, when I spin around and around, I get busy". I'll have to try that sometime.

January 2009

February 2009

April 2009

May 2009

June 2009

Just because we usually don't take these kinds of pictures, let alone post them on a blog! He's still cute, even when he's squallin'!

June (again) 2009

July 2009

August 2009

And the little boy goes to Pre-School 8/25/09

October 2009
Trip to California for Auntie Jenn's wedding.

And to bring in the year, on the last day of November 2009 Spencer and April came from California to live with us here in NC. It was a great year.

Now, to catch up with 2010.

All by himself.

2008-12-19T19:20:00.002-05:00

Because of my extraordinary expertise at uploading pictures on this blog; a. they are in the wrong order and b. they are repeated and c. at least they're on here.

Anyway. One day, we were outside and Eddie and CJ were working on the "turtle pool" - he'd dumped the dog water in the pool and needed more water. So, he went inside, got his step-stool, filled the bucket with water in kitchen sink and then came out - I caught him as he was coming out the door.

So, so, so cute.

One of those days I won't soon forget.

kids

2008-12-03T08:50:00.001-05:00

both kinds.

pull-ups

2008-10-28T08:49:00.003-04:00

Ok. I admit it. I once swore vehemently that I would not use 'pull-ups'. "What is the purpose of those?", I asked myself. Well, now I know. When you are potty-training a strong-willed little boy I have a little advice;

a. buy the pull-ups. They work better than a diaper in the transitional event that the wee one is not quite ready for an outing with nothing on their bum. Diapers just never go back on the same way after you've velcroed the little tabs on. Besides, you can only bring so many under-pants, and pants. I thought the idea of a potty-training toddler was that you finally eliminated the "Diaper Bag".

b. the pull-ups are not quite up to snuff when it comes to overnight usage. Use a regular diaper.

c. nod your head and smile patronizingly at me, when I tell you I'm seriously considering using dishtowels at this point. With safety pins.

p.s. since when did the words 'safety' and 'pins' go together, that's like saying.....safety pin.

don't try this at home

2008-09-05T10:29:00.003-04:00

Here was the list of things to do yesterday: (WITH the three year old)

truck inspection (but they weren't there - wasted 4 miles worth of gas
get gas (right arm and leg are now gone)
take aluminum cans to recycler (to scrounge more gas money)
post office (mail package, priority mail envelope and get stamps all while holding sleeping three year old
McDonalds - must have happy meal WITH toy or WWIII will break out. Seriously.
dr. appt. for Mommy so she can get her hearing fixed (although later in the day may wish she couldn't hear anything at all)
wal-mart, the phrase alone strikes fear into the hearts of women with toddlers everywhere. some without toddlers fear it too.

Yeah, so let's expound on wal-mart.. (i'm too tired to capitalize and puntuate properly) "I just need a few things". The six most dangerous words of the english language (as compared to the FIVE most dangerous words; maybe this will go away) when it comes to discount or warehouse/clubhouse shopping.

I needed a birthday card. Check

I needed some cold/allergy medication. Check (oh, did I mention the three year old also has a cold? yeah.)

I needed to exchange a pair of shorts for a smaller size (YAY!!) but, could not find them in the size i needed, so settled somewhat grumpily for the capri version of the same maker/model/fit.

I needed bananas, milk, peanut butter and half-n-half. Check.

what I did NOT need was the new seasonal aisle RIGHT THERE in the middle of the store - 3 aisles WIDE and 2 blocks DEEP woth LOTS of bright COLORS and advertising the candy. Yes, they are officially halloweenie'ing. (i call it halloweenie becuase i hate it. i get extremely annoyed with the word even)

that was all the toddler needed. it was five 'o clock. we were both starving. daddy is already home, wondering where we are (read: where his supper is) and suddenly, everyone, their mother, and their cousin is in line.

right next to the candy display.

he screamed the whole time.

and you know, there aren't many things more frustrating and infuriating than not being able to discipline your child in public for fear of some crunchy-anti-spanking-baby-wearing-cloth-diapering person come whisking over your way to tell you how to deal with YOUR CHILD. From YOUR WOMB.

it was complete with snotty nose and all. at one point he realized he could blow bubbles with his snot. the nice lady behind me handed me a kleenex (one. she handed me one when we were clearly having a snot blowout. maybe she wasn't so nice) and I promptly wrestled him still enough to grab the glob of snot from his face and throw it away.

more screaming. I totally ignored him. the entire time. then I started giggling. and before long it was almost incontrollable belly laughter.

i'm starting to hyperventilate just reliving it. here. at home.

anyways. don't try this at home folks.

just leave wal-mart off the list entirely and you'll be a better mom for it.

We're still here

2008-07-31T10:16:00.000-04:00

and it's been quite some time since the last post. This is a great example of how motherhood can simply take over and make every other thing sporadic at best. Like, housekeeping. I just saw cobwebs on my desk. ON the desk. (insert eye roll here)

anyhow. I'll be back when I can form coherent sentences and utilize capitalization. like I went to school for. And eliminate fragmented sentences.

ciao.

Fast Forward

2008-05-13T08:37:00.001-04:00

I'd like to write something poignant or profound here, but really, time is just flying around here. If you look UP to see it flying around, make sure your mouth is closed.

Having company last month was wonderful. Eddie even asked for Grandma after we dropped her off at the airport. (see, time DOES really fly)

This month is nearly half-over and I haven't a clue how much time has been spent on what. (apparently, not only does time fly, it is 'spent' like cash)(and we all know how cash is like water) (I'm seeing an earthy element to all this...air, water...)

But anyhow, this isn't supposed to be MY journal, now is it. But really, It's All About You Eddie, I tell him often. So, anything directed here really IS about him. He's currently sitting on the floor, watching something on PBS, and therefore allowing me to hang out a load of clothes on the line, finish painting the small boards on the porch and check out my seedlings in the garden. And, of course, spend time here.

In less than an hour we must be dressed and ready to fly as we're going to town with Ms. Geraldine, the retired schoolteacher who runs the grocery across the street. (really, it's just a little country market with milk, bread, moonpies, and a bunch of stuff I can't eat. I mean, I CAN eat it, but when 25 grams of fat disappears in less than three bites, you can be absolutely sure it will RE-APPEAR on the hips. Or the belly. Or the thighs...sigh.) See, Ms. Geraldine bought a new car, so we'll drive up together for her to take delivery of her new car and I'll drive the old jalopy back. Just kidding. It's a Lincoln something-or-other, and a not so old model at that.

I'm sure time will fly then, also. When we get back, I'll consult my seventeen mile long 'to-do' list and probably accomplish at least one of the items. Like, let the goats out. After that, let the toddler chasing and time-flying at home, begin.

Even though the days fly by, there isn't anything better than watching time fly WITH my little boy. Maybe today we'll throw a kite out there to sail around with our friend Time.

Company coming!

2008-04-05T08:20:00.000-04:00

This is going to be a busy month for company. Today Grandpa Lou arrives from NJ and because of his work schedule (yes, he's retired, but still works) he can only stay until Tuesday morning... (insert sad smiley face here) but we're so blessed he can come and visit often. Little Eddie LOVES his Grandpa Lou. MeMe Carol is traveling in Europe for a couple weeks but I'm sure she'll be back down with Grandpa Lou by summertime (Eddie's Birthday is June 21st) and as usual, we'll have a great time.

On April 18th, Grandma Marie comes to visit from Colorado and she'll stay until the 28th, we can't wait.

Meanwhile, Gregg, Kathy and Eric are going on a mini-spring-break-vacation and we'll have the company of their four Great Danes; Lacy, Sophia, Star and Holly. I think they will drop the dogs off on Monday and be back before the end of the week.

So it will be a month of visitor, and we LOVE having company. I'm looking forward to it, and although Eddie doesn't really grasp the concept of someone coming to visit, he does love it when we have company. Humans or dogs.

Just hoping we can hang on the potty training progress we've made. You know how an interruption in routine can wreak havoc on those kinds of things.....

Hunting Eggs

2008-03-20T08:29:00.000-04:00

Last Sunday the church (one of 20 in a five mile radius) put on an Easter egg hunt for the kids. Gregg, Kathy, and Eric were here at Hope Farms, so I grabbed a couple of baskets and we headed to the church.

A few of the older kids hid the eggs. The remaining older kids peered out the windows in a not-so-sneaky fashion and tried to spy on WHERE the eggs were being hidden. Eddie was the second youngest. The youngest was an adorable little girl in a cute denim dress named Savannah. Eddie seemed to follow her around as they gathered eggs, and at one point, I encouraged him to give her some of his eggs, which he did selflessly. So cute.

When we first went outside, I told him to look for the eggs, and it took him a few minutes to grasp the concept, but once he realized they were all over the place, I could hardly keep up with him. He was silent and focused the entire time, it was as though this was his first important JOB! haha! I wish I had a camera, because I'd have snapped photos of him in his jeans, spring colored button down shirt and coordinating vest. Yes, I even brushed his hair!

So, imagine a cute picture of said toddler HERE.

After all the eggs were gathered (who knows how many were left out there...) we went inside to open the pastel colored plastic halves to find a bible verse tucked inside. Ann, the Sunday School Teacher read corresponding verses and whomever had a matching verse won a prize. Of course, there were matching verses for all and every child got a prize. And then there was the bags of candy.

CANDY!!! Eddie loves candy. He loudly expressed his delight and shouted, "Mommy! open that one, baby want the big one! CANDY!! Chocolate!". It's a good thing Easter comes once a year. Along with halloween, Christmas, valentines, not to mention birthdays. Of course, I had to sample some of the candy for him, as to ensure it was fresh. hee hee!

This Sunday we'll probably hard-cook some eggs and hide them for Eddie to find. And eat lots of candy. And next year, I'll make more of a concerted effort to teach Eddie the reason for the celebration of this day.

He is Risen.

Presently, ...

2008-03-10T09:45:00.000-04:00

There is a toddler and a puppy chasing one another around the house as it's yet a bit too cold to venture outside. There's usually some screaming and barking and little feet pounding the wood floors in this old farmhouse, and I love to hear that sound. Sometimes there is food stolen from his hands (read: puppy) and occasional boo-boo's that need to be kissed and hugged away. And then there are trying times which sound like this: "Eddie, get DOWN from there or you're going to get a spanking!!". Ahhhh. Sweet times.

And when it's quiet? Watch out. Oft times that means that there is an entire roll of toilet paper strewn about the house or a large box of baking soda dumped on to the pantry floor. It's hard to get mad when he's discovering something. And easy to get mad if you're trying to get ready to go somewhere and he manages to get muddy in 0.9 seconds after you open the door to walk to the pickup truck.

All in all, not much gets completed some days when toddler chasing takes priority over housecleaning, or gathering wood, or cleaning out stalls in the barn, but a little bit at a time gets done.

I'm being paged. It seems the puppy is under the bed with one of his favorite tractors, chewing the wheels off.

Must. Go. Rescue. John. Deere.

Mean Moms

2008-03-07T10:28:00.000-05:00

I'm sure most of us have seen this before, no doubt in an email with 1245 other email addresses in the "CC to:" field.

Enjoy. I personally plan on printing this out when Eddie turns 11.

Mean Moms

Someday when my children are old enough to understand the logic that
motivates a parent, I will tell them, as my Mean Mom told me: I loved you enough
to ask where you were going, with whom, and what time you would be home.

I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover that your new best
friend was a creep. I loved you enough to stand over you for two hours
while you cleaned your room, a job that should have taken 15 minutes. I loved
you enough to let you see anger, disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children
must learn that their parents aren't perfect..

I loved you enough to let you assume the responsibility for your actions
even when the penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart. But most
of all, I loved you enough to say NO when I knew you would hate me for it.Those
were the most difficult battles of all. I'm glad I won them, because in the end
you won, too. And someday when your children are old enough to understand the
logic that motivates parents, you will tell them.

Was your Mom mean? I know mine was. We had the meanest mother
in the whole world!While other kids ate candy for breakfast, we had to have
cereal, eggs, and toast. When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch,we had
to eat sandwiches. And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was
different from what other kids had, too.

Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times. You'd think we were
convicts in a prison. She had to know who our friends were and what we were
doing with them. She insisted that if we said we would be gone for an
hour, we would be gone for an hour or less.

We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to break the Child Labor
Laws by making us work. We had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to cook,
vacuum the floor, do laundry, empty the trash and all sorts of cruel jobs.
I think she would lie awake at night thinking of more things for us to do. She
always insisted on us telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the
truth. By the time we were teenagers, she could read our minds and had eyes in
the back of her head. Then, life was really tough! Mother wouldn't
let our friends just honk the horn when they drove up. They had to come up
to the door so she could meet them. While everyone else could date when they
were 12 or 13, we had to wait until we were 16.

Because of our mother we missed out on lots of things other kids
experienced. None of us have ever been caught shoplifting, vandalizing other's
property or ever arrested for any crime. It was all her fault. Now that we
have left home, we are all educated, honest adults. We are doing our best
to be mean parents just like Mom was. I think that is what's wrong with
the world today. It just doesn't have enough mean moms!

PASS THIS ON TO ALL THE MEAN MOTHERS YOU KNOW.(And Their Kids)

Sentences, and more...

2008-03-04T08:39:00.000-05:00

Watching a child grow is like riding on a fast-moving train, trying to take in all the scenery, and store it in memory.

"baby want milk, mommy". "baby pee on a tree". "mommy make supper?".

Yeah, those are them. Baby sentences. Compliments of a strong-willed, smarter-than-your-average-chicken nearly three year old offspring.

I was looking in the mirror the other day and admiring the fact that I still look like me, when I hear this voice calling from the other end of the house, "mommy, mommy, MOMMY!!!" and I realized, eyes widening, "I'm a MOTHER!". I mean, don't get me wrong, I've known I was a mother since I had the never-to-be-humble opportunity to pee on a stick and see a little pink line appear but occasionally, it hits you. Like a wrinkle. I mean, you KNOW you're going to get them, but when they become visible (in the dark!) it becomes REAL.

Like the Velveteen Rabbit. Ever hear or read that story? Meryl Streep does a great job at narrating the story with some fabulous George Winston piano work. I highly recommend it. Anyway, being a mother is not something you become all at once. You evolve, somewhat, into the role. And being able to interpret 'baby sentences' is kinda like getting a diploma, or a masters degree.

I jokingly refer to myself as a household executive and child development specialist, but really, I'm a stay-at-home mom who likes to do just that. Stay at home. If I had to drop said child off at daycare from 7am to 6pm I think my interpretations skills would be hindered. I would not be 'bi-lingual' in the sense that I can speak adult AND baby.

Eddie has become quite the polite young man, saying his Please, Thank You, and Welcome's when prompted and sometimes not prompted. He can retrieve his shoes from his room, and pull his pants up and down now. Something he says that makes me laugh out loud is "oh my gosh" and "watch mommy, watch". He's a tree-climber from way back.

He can count to three, and knows his name, my name, daddy's name, and the name of the town we live in, and says, "hi there" and "bye bye" to people, when they come to visit, and then go.

Life is good. Toddlerhood is fun. Motherhood is ever-changing. New sentences abound as I type.

The every day present

2008-02-02T09:00:00.001-05:00

Having a small child is like getting to open a present everyday.

Sometimes he's cranky, sometimes he is smiley, but he's always a present. A lot of days he doesn't get his hair brushed, or get out of his pajama's until ten o'clock, but everyday, I get to be with him. And he with me.

Potty Training?

2008-01-25T19:54:00.000-05:00

The question mark is for the word training. Training would reflect discipline right? Ah. I wish I had some of that. What aisle is that found on?

So, I've found that potty training might be better when the weather is warmer than say, 20 degrees farenheit. See, my philosophy, or discipline, which are interchangeable for me, is that I should take his diaper off first thing in the morning, put a clean t-shirt on him, and let him run around naked, asking him every 20 minutes if he has to pee.

So far I've been able to get him to tell me once, that he had to pee, and he did! We've gone through a few costume changes lately (like 5 in 6 hours) but overall, I think he's catching on. By his third birthday I believe he'll be calling me from the bathroom asking me to wipe his bottom.

I think it will help when I don't have to warm up the seat of his "big boy toilet" in front of the woodstove in the morning before he can sit on it and pee. (we have had success with him imitating daddy peeing on a tree, but, see the 20 degree sentence.)

more to come as we make potty progress......

Toddler Tired

2008-01-20T20:33:00.000-05:00

So, I wish I could transfer Eddie's energy to me. Or bottle it. I'd be a quadruplebilliontrillionaire. Is that a word? Anyway, I'm so tired, I can't stay on here and blog. Or vent which, really, let's be honest folks, is what this is. A vent spot. Good, bad and indifferent. Besides, hubby just brought me a cup of herbal tea, and the toddler is momentarily not hanging off of my leg!! Must. Go. Enjoy. The. Moment!

Chalk-it

2008-01-06T05:27:00.000-05:00

That's Eddie-speak for Chalk. The big fat round sticks of chalk usually used for say....sketching a hop-scotch pattern on concrete except, lately, it's his toy of choice. He likes to write on the chairs, the dining room table, the back of my office chair, his dresser, and most annoying, the walls. He will ask repeatedly for it until I, said supposed parent, give in. Which is usually around 400 times. I just break for some wierd reason right around that number.

There's drywall (sheetrock? what's the difference) in our bedroom that we plan on tearing down, so we let him have free reign over the walls with the 'chalk-it'. He loves to draw 'ciwcowles' and gets giddy if you draw him a snowman, or better yet, a tractor. Yellow, white, pink, green and blue. Any color will do. You get used to it after a while. We won't tear it down until probably a month or so, that way he can do what no toddler before him has actually been given permission to do; DRAW ON THE WALLS.

Funny thing is, these sticks of chalk must be joined up with the lost socks of the world because I'm down to just three or four sticks from about....oh, TWENTY. They can't possibly get swept under a rug. I HAVE found them in the middle of the night on my way to the bathroom, and who ever thought that stepping on a piece of chalk could hurt so bad! I really don't know where they could be. Maybe I should check the dryer. That seems to be where half of his toddler sized socks dissappear from on a regular basis.

And don't get me started on crayons. WHY oh WHY must kids break crayons? It must be some small form of OCD in me that exists in a small closet of my brain that bursts out when a crayon is broken. And labels? "take off" he says to me. If I don't peel the crayon label off, he'll do it himself, and I find a little trail of 'violet blue' all around the house. Then, later, as I'm vacuuming, I suck up half sticks of Crayolas. A friend of mine said to me, "don't throw them away, save all the broken pieces of crayons, and then when you get a good lot of them, melt them down in to one big swirly-gig of colors". Thanks Kelly, FANTASTIC idea. No label to peel. Just his style.

I think though, for a while longer, (like, TEN YEARS) we'll keep the crayons in the highest cabinet and stick with the chalk. It wipes off the walls and most everything else SO much easier than crayons, and of course, keeps the OCD at bay. *must look into the obsessive desire to keep crayons intact and labeled.....

It's 5:39am. I've got but a couple hours left of chalk-free time.

On Naps

2007-12-10T13:58:00.000-05:00

I guess it really doesn't matter if you tell them that in 20 years, they will so wish they could just lay down and take a nap. At 2 and nearly a half, he couldn't care less. He'd rather chase goats, squeeze puppies or throw stuff away that shouldn't be in the garbage. Like my checkbook.

Today I let him play in his room for a while before I made him (yes, I MADE him) lay down and hope he naps. He's drinking his milk now, and he looks rather sleepy, so we'll see if I can get at least two loads of laundry washed and hung out as it's going to be 80* here today. Yes, it's December 10th. I am pretty sure that I brought Southern California here with me. Severely hot summer, extreme drought, and now, 80* December days.

But it is good for a toddler, because it means more out door time. Which means less mess to clean up inside! This morning we tried to fly his kite, which wasn't terribly successful, but he had fun watching me run around trying to get it to 'float' on thin air, without much wind. Or, rather maybe the trouble was that he'd sortof annihilated the kite about two months ago, by removing tht tails and breaking the spine a bit by stomping on it, laughing gleefully at the noise it made.

So yeah, he's sleeping now, which you may have deduced at this point, because I'm on here, writing, and not doing laundry, as afore mentioned. Ah, well, he can help me carry the corner of the blanket to the clothes line when he gets up. He likes to help. Makes great grunting noises as though whatever whispy thing I have given him to carry is about 20 lbs. Quite funny.

The great thing about naps is they *usually* wake up in a better mood in which they went down. It's like morning all over again. So Hooray for Naps. Like a two-in-one deal. Sometimes I'd like to start the day over myself, and when this old farmhouse is not so behind, I do indulge in the luxuriousness of a good snuggle with the 2 and nearly a half year old boy. So cute when he says, "mommy snuggle". Worth the checkbook in the trash any day.

Time flies when you're chasing a toddler.

2007-12-05T10:32:00.000-05:00

So it's been about a year and nearly a half since I've posted on this blog. Eddie will be 2 and a half on Dec. 21st, and currently, he's all I have to reference regarding the normal insaneness of toddler-hood. Don't get me wrong, I'm fully enjoying every temper tantrum and his ability to climb as high as I am tall, but boy-oh-boy is this the most trying time of parenthood so far! Thank goodness for bedtime!

He's teaching me new things everyday. Including how to ask for chalk or crayons so many times that the authority figure just gives in to have five minutes of quiet. The squeaky wheel really does get the grease!

My favorite thing of late is when it's getting close to bedtime, and on the rare occasion that he is actually sleepy anywhere close to that time, he says to me, with sippy cup of milk in hand, "mommy snuggle" and we do. He is so sweet, loving, and affectionate. He is the gift that keeps on giving. The one I get to open every morning. Tantrums or no, he's my favorite part of every day.

That you might know

2006-06-23T09:56:00.000-04:00

Paul Harvey Writes:

We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better. I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.

I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated. I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car. And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen. It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep. I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in. I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.

When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tagalong, I hope you'll let him/her. I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely. On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.

If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one. I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books. When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head. I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy\girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what Ivory Soap tastes like. May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.

I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it. And if afriend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend. I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle. May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays. I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hannukah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand. These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life. Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I'm here for you. And if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you.

Half a House

2006-01-21T23:17:00.000-05:00

Half a house. Delivered to the property today. Tomorrow we'll take you down to it, and put your Johnny Jump Up in the doorway while we sweep it out, tidy up, and clean it out. Daddy's going to make a Tack Shed/Feed Bin/Workshop out of it so when we go down to hang out with 'Tate, we'll have a porch to sit on and a commode to use.

You won't have a clue now, but someday you'll know where we started. Someone once told me "Never forget where you came from". So this is where we came from. Half a house. In 20 years you may not appreciate it, but I'll bet that in 40 years, you will. We'll show you pictures of the Bus, where you spent the first part of your life, and then I'm sure we'll have pictures of you hanging out, crawling in, climbing on and generally making us chase you around the half house.

In less than a week, we'll have a WHOLE HOUSE. Delivered right next to the half house. And THAT my boy, will be OUR HOME. Where you will learn to crawl, climb on furniture, mark the walls, and pull the curtains down I'm sure. You'll bump your head, skin your knee and not want to go to bed in your own room.

We Survived

2006-01-17T11:52:00.000-05:00

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they
carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored
lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we
rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took
hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE
actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but
we weren't overweight because

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back
when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down
the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the
bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem...

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no
99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell
phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat
rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,
made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't
had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of They
actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers
and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as
kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

Time Flies

2005-12-31T12:03:00.000-05:00

Time Flies. They say. I know it has in my little world, with the clock ticking and tocking, it moves even when I don't. You my precious little baby boy are sleeping, indulging in your morning nap. And you don't even know you're indulging. Something you won't know until you're about 25 years older than you are now.

I know.

That time.

Will go quickly.

As quick as water down the drain, and smoke up the chimney. As quickly as $2.69 per gallon of gasoline goes through a 22.4 mpg car.

So my big little man, we will try to slow it down. We won't hurry. We will try not to scurry, and just take
one
step
at a
time.

Sometimes I want to wake you up from a nap, so I can see you smile, laugh and bat your hands at your toys, picking them up and gumming them. But I know you need your sleep, because, did you know you GROW in your sleep?

Yep. And your daddy weighed you yesterday. Twenty pounds. No wonder I can hardly pick you up when you're in the car seat. Sheesh. But you're not fat, not even a bit chubby as babies go. You're lean. Like your daddy.

So, back to

TIME.

It has wings. It flies. You'll see. One day you won't be able to reach the sink, then one day, you will. And you'll hardly have blinked your eyes.

I love you Eddie, I love you all the time in the world. All the hours, minutes and seconds. With wings.

Love, Mommy

I can't wait until....

2005-12-17T13:02:00.000-05:00

It's already here folks. That time. You know, that evernagging "when", and "if". He's rubbing his eyes, he's grabbing things. Starting to notice when I leave the room. Voicing his displeasure at being put to bed. Yep. He's growing up. All six months are nearly over. I'd say since I've never been with a baby for the first six months of their life, that this is among the top two most precious times. The Here. And the Now.

He just woke up and rubbed his eyes. Oh My Gosh is that cute or what. Then he smiles at me. (melt) He watches me blowdry my hair, curl it, and then watches me silently while I put makeup on. He recognizes me both ways. Amazing. That's the word of the year. He's here and he's now. And they are both mine. (mine mine mine) I hope to never forget what it feels like to be watching over him all day and night. It's exhausting, fun, hilarious, tiring, giggly, silly, and sometimes exacerbating. And I love every second of every minute of every month of it.

I can't wait until now. I can't wait until then. I can't believe this is happening to me. (you can't know until you know) I don't want to wait anymore. I'll take each minute as they come. I promise to not 'wait' until you can talk to take you to the zoo. I promise not to 'wait' until you can walk to take you to an amusement park. I promise not to wait.

And you apparently can't wait any longer to get that diaper off your butt. Gotta go, can't wait.

So we won't wait.

I won't wait until I love you more. I couldn't possibly wait. One. More. Minute. I love you this much. Now.

Heart Beats

2005-12-15T11:01:00.000-05:00

I think we take it for granted. Our Heart. As you lay sleeping my precious little baby boy, your heart is beating. And as of a few minutes ago, your heart has beat no less than 18, 390, 672 times. And you have taken over 3,831,390 breaths. May you continue to take many, many more.

I also think that we take our time with each other for granted. There are times when I'm trying to finish the dishes and you're paging me. Sigh. I get just the slightest bit irritable, thinking, "gosh, I just need to get something done". And to snap me out of it, I turn to you and say "I love you". Then you smile. Irritation gone. Dishes still in sink. But I'm not going to take you for granted.

My heart beats for you. When you were just a little little baby, resting you close to me regulated your heart beat. And your temperature. And having you so close to me bonds us together in more ways than we will *ever* understand. It is the invisible mark you have on me. You know my heart beat from anyone else. It is music to your ears. It is bursting full overflowing and infinitely capable of love for you. Beating out a song of love that any mother instantly knows even if she's never heard it before.

Rest easy my dear child. Your heart will keep beating. Your lungs will keep breathing. And I will keep loving.

Teeth

2005-12-11T17:38:00.000-05:00

Two front teeth. Isn't that what we as children wanted for Christmas? And, was that the TOP two front teeth, or the BOTTOM two front teeth? If it is the bottom you wish for, you are in luck little big man. You have two teeth. Congratulations, you may now chew. On what, I don't know yet. Hopefully not me. But ah yes, you like to chew on everything. Links, spoons, knuckles, blankets. It's like having a puppy. But better!

I thought for sure you'd be crankier than an old wet hen but you've proven to me, yet again, that you're resilient, flexible, and that you are your Mommy's baby. Nothing keeps you from eating. Not even mouth pain.

And now you're wanting "real food". I see you. At the table, mouthing and mimicing us. Pushing your lips together, gums touching two "wittle" teeth. And when I put a spoon to your mouth you open WIDE like a little birdie. And OH MY GOSH the glass issue. Your arms flailing that serious look impending on your face, you look like you are getting ready for takeoff. Grabbing the glass with your hands that don't quite know what to do with themselves yet....and somehow you know that glass goes to mouth.

Christmas is right around the corner. And so are your two front teeth. I'm lucky enough to catch glimpses of them all day long, because you smile a LOT.

I take you everywhere

2005-12-05T20:49:00.000-05:00

I swear, I take you everywhere. Not a place I won't go with you. We go to the post office, the bank, the grocery store, the mall, car dealerships, the chiropractor, the doctor, the mom's group, fancy and not so fancy restaurants. To grandma's, to great-grandma's, to uncle Doug and aunt Elva's, to the movies, let's see....where else? We'll probably take you to the park, the zoo, Disneyland, and lots of other fun and maybe some not so fun places too.

You are becoming so much more aware of where you are now too. That is so much fun - your eyes drink it in, sipping every last bit into your head. You aren't scared at all. And if you ever are, just remember I'll be right there to hold you and comfort you.

I'll take you everywhere with me. I love you.

Where we live

2005-11-23T12:24:00.000-05:00

We live in a beautiful place. The air is clean. That's because the wind blows, mostly in a Northern direction, and it blows a lot. Most days we don't mind. Or we're getting used to it. Spring and Fall are best here, not too hot, not too cold. Winter can be cccccold. Summer can be h o t. But not as hot as 'down the hill'. Speaking of which, we have a BEAUTIFUL VIEW. Of down the hill, that is. We have lived up here since you were an itty bitty baby in my belly. Since December 22nd, 2004.

We moved up here in the middle of winter and it was COLD!!! Your Daddy built our fence out of cross-arms and wire that was dumped into bins to be recycled. But he recycled it first. Into a nice fence around half of our property. In 21 days we will have lived up here for a year. And you will be six months old and one day. Soon we will have a house for you to play in, to scoot around on all fours, doorways for you to bounce up and down in your Johnny Jump Up Jumper. And we'll probably get you a walker so you can scoot around in that too. You'll learn lots of things in that house. It will be a house of Firsts. Our First house, your first house, your first steps, your first fall. And we'll of course kiss it and make it feel better.

We live in a nice place. You'll like it here I promise. We will make this place our HOME.

Sick Today

2005-11-18T19:55:00.000-05:00

Sick today. Yep. And you still smiled. UNBELIEVABLE. You are a trooper. Woke up this morning at 5:12AM and had a stuffy runny nose, and a fever. Took your temperature and it was 100.8 ~ not a true emergency, afterall, a fever's purpose is to spike, enough to "kill" whatever is trying to invade the body. I cleaned your eyes with a warm, damp washcloth, and then suctioned your nose with a bulb syringe, seeing as you don't know how to blow your nose yet. You are only a few days away from being five months old.

Then I sprayed some saline up your nose. Boy oh boy how you hate that. Turning your head this way and that. But, we got something accomplished and you smiled. Haha! I can't believe after waking up with a FEVER, A runny nose, and goopy eyes, you SMILED. You're unbelievable kid. I thought for SURE you'd be crying, cranky and inconsolable. Nope, not you.

Around 6:00AM I gave you a half dose of some cold medicine thinking it might help you feel better. No sooner than half a minute later, you vomited all over your daddy, me and the bed. Guess you didn't like the taste of that medicine. And I mean to tell you, it wasn't just a little spit up; it was projectile and plentiful. Yuck. Another good use for the phrase "no use crying over spilt (spitup?) milk. I crack myself up.

Ahem, anyhow, I called the doctor's office and the answering service told me to call back after 8AM. So you nursed a bit and we dozed off while Daddy left for work. Woke up and called the doctor's office again. No openings. Uh oh. Oh wait, she said, I can put him in the "procedure clinic". Ok, can you be here @ 9:15? (It was 8:30) I said YES, we'll be there. (We live 45 minutes away, and I still had pajamas on) We were off and not like a herd of turtles either. We didn't make it at 9:15. We arrived @ 9:30, but they signed us in anyway. Nice ladies.

Weighed you a few minutes later @ 18 lbs. 7 ozs. (that's an 11lb weight gain in just shy of five months) and then guess who we saw? Yep, you guessed right, Dr. Keidel, our family practice doctor who helped Dr. Avants to deliver you. He came over, hugged us and carried you to the exam room. We gushed and "oohed" over you for a few minutes, exchanging niceties and then he said you'd be fine. He explained to me what fever was for, and how to tell if you're getting through it fine, or whether you need medical attention. Turns out we could have stayed home. But I'm glad we went, glad we got to see Dr. Keidel and also, Dr. Chand gave me a real nice compliment. He said I am a good mom.

So, out to the car we went, my mind at ease after showing the doctor the Baby Vicks, Saline Spray, Cold Medicine, the bulb syringe, and having described our cool mist vaporizer - feeling like I could get you well on my own. Ok, but with a little field trip to grandma's work, then to the chiropractor for an added oomph for our immune systems.

Now you're in bed. Had a bath with menthol and eucalyptus infused water, and Baby Vicks rubbed into your chest, compliments of Daddy. Fresh clean and soft pajama's, some nursing, and you were out like a light.

Sick today. And still smiled. I'm smiling too, feeling like I did good by you, making sure you will get well. Taking care of you the best way I know how. It never occured to me that I would NOT be a good mom. But it sure is nice to hear it. I guess if I listen closely, shhhh..... I can hear it ~ in your smile.

Your Third Movie and First Cold

2005-11-17T11:42:00.000-05:00

We went to the movie theatre last night, the one here in town where on Wednesday nights it is Family night, and your Daddy and I can get in for a total of $5.00. Someday, that will be a lot of money to you, and then even farther down the line, maybe "notsomuch" money. But it does us good for a Wednesday night. All told, we got popcorn, and a large drink for free, and Peanut M&M's, Red Vines, and HotTamales AND our movie tickets for $16.50. What a cheap date!!

We saw the movie Dreamer, about a Thoroughbred Race Horse that broke her leg, and the broken family that she helped to complete. It was a very good movie. I would say that it was mostly about not giving up, and seeing what you have, instead of what you don't. I'd buy it.

You were a little cranky yesterday, I kept thinking "why is he cranky?" and although you made it through most of the movie quietly, we could tell you didn't feel really good. I thought you were mostly tired.

Then you didn't sleep well for the third night in a row. When we woke up this morning you were a bit congested and had a nasal discharge AKA: Runny Nose. I took your temperature, it was 98.4 degrees F and gave you some saline nasal mist which you HATE and resist with your near 18 pounds, but it made you able to breathe better. I ran some hot water in the shower to make the air more moist and also put a kettle of water on the stove to simmer and steam.

Then, I gave you some Tylenol. I hate giving you that. But, sure enough half an hour later, you were resting peacefully breathing well and comfortable in your co-sleeper. That was almost an hour and a half ago. I keep checking on you, making sure you're ok. And now that I think about it, I don't feel so hot either. I'm drinking "Baby Tea" and it seems to help me feel better, and is supposed to be good for you too. Today I'm going to drink lots of water, get some sunshine and take naps with you. Right after I finish the dishes, fold the laundry, make the bed, take a shower, get dressed and straighten up the house. *sigh*

It's all about You My Boy. When you don't feel good, I don't feel good. When you're happy, I'm happy. When you're cranky, I'm cranky. Funny how that is, that a human being can be SO in SYNCH with another. I think it's meant to be, God gave us that instinct, so we would best know how to care for our offspring. Our blessings. Our gifts. You are my gift, the one I get to open again and again, throughout each day and every beautiful morning. I will never get tired of this gift. And when I think about how very precious you are, I feel better. And maybe, just maybe, when I feel better, you might feel better.

Growing so fast

2005-11-13T13:05:00.000-05:00

You are growing so fast. They say that a human grows more in the first five months than they will in their entire lifetime. That's pretty fast. You are already nearly as heavy as Heidi, and she is only three months older than you, and at her adult height.

I am so distracted lately, I just realized that I never sent out your Birth Announcements. I thought jokingly, maybe I should send those out with your 1st Birthday Party invitations....but really, I do feel like I've procrastinated on some important stuff. But if I shove it into focus with the "Big Picture" it seems meaningless. Meaningless compared to all the mornings we've spent with Daddy giggling and all the naptimes we've snuggled looking into each others eyes, smiling at one another. Singing in the car, shopping together, meeting with GG Roc Roc, Grandma and Auntie Jenn for lunches.

You are already wearing 6-9 months size clothing. You are 17lbs and 4 ozs and amazingly 27" tall. These stats as of Monday November 7th. On which date you received your second set of vaccinations. You cried so hard. But not for long. I winced for you, when she put the little tiny needle in your thigh, knowing you'd be hurt. Your eyes blue shone through those stinging tears and gave me quite a look. You got over it quickly though, as I knew you would.

Just like me you are; quick to anger but easy to please. Volatile I guess you could call us. What a good baby he is, everyone exclaims. I never thought you would be any other way. It never occurred to me that you mightn't sleep through the night, or be a "happy" baby vs. a fussy baby. Oh sure, you have your moments, as we all do. But you're pretty clear what you want and need. Diaper change, food, cuddles, sleep, play. That's about it for you at this point. You like to suck your thumb. I did too.

You are growing so fast. I love you. I love you more than anything in the world. And so does your Daddy.

Saturday Night

2005-11-07T10:28:00.000-05:00

We left you. Your Daddy and I left you. But only for approximately three hours. And we didn't leave you alone, we left you with GG Roc Roc, your Great-Grandmother.

We ate dinner at home, with you at my breast, eating your dinner. Then we packed your diaper bag and got ready to go. Took you to GG Roc Roc's and then we put you in the crib in her guest room. You slept the whole time. Daddy and I went to Auntie Jenn's house for a birthday party for Victoria and had a good time.

And every other minute was spent on you. I wondered if you were still sleeping, if you were comfortable, and hoped that you didn't wake up and cry for me; for that would have broken my heart. I couldn't wait to see you again, sleeping in your 'jammies and turning your head back and forth like you do when your sleep is interrupted.

I knew you were safe, and that GG Roc Roc would take good care of you, but I missed you something fierce. I showed too many people your pictures on my phone, which I kept checking for a missed call......

When we got back from the party it was about three hours after we dropped you off. It felt like an eternity. I was so happy to see you my heart was pounding and I felt so relieved that you were ok. We put you in the middle of the bed and Daddy and I crawled in on either side, we snuggled, you nursed a little bit and then we all fell fast asleep.

Ahhh, what sweet bliss to be with my baby again. I had fun at the party, it was nice to be out and enjoy music and drink with friends. It was a nice night, not too cold and there was a big fire. The evening was complete. But not until you were back in my arms.

Missing Memory

2005-11-05T12:04:00.000-05:00

You won't know him, "Uncle Mikey". You won't remember him. You could barely hold your head up when he died. Funny guy that Mikey. He was the best Brother-In-Law I never had. Would have been the 'cool' Uncle to you, like I had w/Uncle Doug. Probably would have taught you to have people pull your finger and then fart. You would have looked up to him and wanted him to take you for a ride on his "moped". Your Auntie Jenn loved him very much and probably still does. And probably always will. He had big blue eyes and a crooked smile, with dark hair and had big tattoos that you probably would have been fascinated with. Poking him in the arm and then running away from him, giggling with gleeful fright.

He was only 25 years old when he died. Too young. Our whole family struggled with the very idea that he was gone, all of us aching with our hearts in slings for Auntie Jenn and Mikey's family too. I happen to believe that God will only give us as much as we can handle, and apparently, the people who knew and loved Mikey can handle a LOT. A lot more than I'm comfortable with.

The service was at the Harvest Church in Riverside and it was the nicest and saddest service I could have dreamt of. There was live music, and his bike in the front with his helmet and boots, flowers and the whole place was filled with people. The slide show of pictures played with songs from the heart was wrenching. Drawing out tears like a salve does with poison. Stinging with pain and laughing with joy at the funny antics Mikey would pull.

Then the picture of Mikey and Jenn holding you. That will be your missing memory. It is hard even still, nearly two months later to even look at the picture without tears. You won't know the grief, the pain, and the saddest thing is, you won't know his laugh, his humor, his sincerity, and funny enough, his farts.

"Working Mothers"

2005-11-04T12:25:00.000-05:00

I find that term redundant, "working mother" - since when does a stay at home mom not work? *giggle* Yeah, I get in a lot of bon bons, in between baths, laundry, trash, vacuuming, napping, sneaking in a shower, or maybe even the luxury of blow drying my hair. All of that while watching "one life to live" or maybe Jerry Springer. I do admit, that when we have TV, it is on more than I'd like. But it's shut off now, so we get in a lot more giggle time, singing, patty cake, and I usually get to eat breakfast while smiley baby has his morning nap.

Here's a synopsis of our mornings;

5am get up with Daddy - nurse a bit, change diaper, daddy burps baby, and then makes coffee. Baby nurses while daddy showers and gets dressed. Then daddy burps baby again while mommy sips coffee, ahhh sweet coffee. Baby poops, mommy changes diaper, then baby wants to nurse again. It is now 6:30am. Daddy leaves for work, Heidi whines and looks out the window and baby falls asleep around 7am.

Mommy spends about an hour at the computer, emailing, catching up with friends and family and making oatmeal, finishing the coffee.

8am baby wakes up and wants attention, we change diaper, play a bit, then nurse some.

9am, give baby a bath, dry baby off, put lotion or "foo foo" as daddy calls it, all the while talking and singing to each other. Smiling all the way.
Let baby be naked for a while, clean up peepee then diaper baby and make him irritable while dressing him (he hates shirts that go over his head, 99% of what he wears is such) and at 9:25 nurse for 15 minutes then he wants to play.

9:45 put baby on leapfrog play mat and he bats and grabs at his links and other toys.

10:15 he is done playing, starting to fall asleep. While he's playing I'm folding laundry, answering my phone, mom calls, grandma calls and make a call to daddy.

Do the dishes, go potty, put another load of laundry in, clean out purse, take trash out and I can't believe it's already 11:00am when he calls out for me. Wide Awake and HUNDRY. Get a glass of water, pick him up and smile awhile then sit down to nurse. He grins at me, unable to smile and eat at the same time. I look around, there is still vacuuming to get done, dusting, windows to wash, mirrors to clean, tub to scrub and a bed to be made and the day is almost half over. Time for lunch, I'm gonna need some energy.

Some days run into others, with none of the above getting done. But it's all in the name of love, the dust that sits here day after day waiting for the dust cloth and orange oil. It waits patiently, for the working mother.

Walked Today

2005-11-03T18:30:00.000-05:00

30 minutes brisk walking w/stroller (AND son, of course) from mailboxes to hwy 243

I can't remember

2005-11-03T14:57:00.000-05:00

By now I can't remember what it was that I was going to write about. I lay awake next to you, my son, last night watching you breathe and there were two things, poignant and deeply stirring within me that needed to be put in words. More than words, feelings most likely that I wanted to corral. And now I've forgotten all about them. They're there, lurking, lingering beyond my consious thoughts and will probably spill out when I bend over to pick you up. Returning your smile.

My smiley baby. Never a cry for no reason. And I respond as soon as I can, so that you don't think I'm not listening, or that I forgot. Roots and Wings, I told myself, when you were born, those were the two things that I would concentrate on, your whole life. Roots that go deep, so that you would always know where "home" is, and Wings to fly, to find your own way.

I love when I laugh loudly, it scares you and then you look at me and laugh, because it is funnier than it was scary. That makes me feel like you have already been given a good start on humor. And there are always the mornings, my regular little man, when your eyes lock on, you hold your breath and then.....pppppphhhhhfffftttttttttttthhh. I giggle hopelessly every time and your daddy and I always say we're going to video tape that to be shown at your 16th birthday bash. There are so many things to love about you. Even your tantrums, which you threw a doozie yesterday in the DMV, after waiting for better than an hour with me, in your carrier, mostly sleeping on my chest. But you were determined to REALLY tell me how you felt. You hadn't forgotten that I listen. We got through it, and I was proud of myself that I wasn't ashamed of my crying baby, too worried about what others might think, and I held my place in line. By the time we got to the clerk, you were smiling at the Indian kid behind us. You little Corker.

I'll probably forget a lot more than I'll remember, but you can bet the memories will be infused with love and laughter, not matter what. I will never forget how much I love you.

Patience my friend

2005-11-02T10:41:00.000-05:00

Oh my gosh I'm tired. Feel like I'm getting a little bit of a cold. *frown* You are still sleeping *smile* and look so cute in your 'jammies all wrapped up in my covers. One leg up. Like your dad. I'm listening to music and looking at the undone dishes in the sink and my pile of laundry mocking me. I want to crawl back into bed with you and snuggle.

Just sitting here thinking about my sister Jenn and how I love her and wish I could get a little closer to her, to give her strength and lend God's voice to her in a comforting way.

Thinking about our new house, the escrow monies, the DMV, the dogs vaccination schedule and the carpet in desperate need of a vacuuming. The horse needs fed and I still haven't gotten to Costco to get those prints put on a CD for your Aunt Re and your Grandma Marie and I probably should send one to Uncle Louie ?.... Can't remember if I gave one to Jenn or GG Roc Roc or even Grandma. Ugh. *sigh*

And the chiropractor - need to get there today. I'm going to have to get back in bed. And you'll make me smile, and forget about all the stuff we have GOT to get done, for a minute. And then we'll get up, and I'll feel better for just having smiled with you for a while.

Laters....

Going Places

2005-11-01T11:30:00.000-05:00

Going visiting today - gonna see Annie and Renee and have lunch. What fun this will be, with their kids too! I have a lot to accomplish today and you seem to know, swinging contentedly, not asking for too much attention. Watching Mommy buzz back and forth, in and out, carrying laundry, cleaning out her purse and drinking O.J. Still have to give you your bath. Oh how you LOVE your baths. You were smiling and playing with Daddy this morning before he left for work. You wake up SO happy every day. What a joy to my heart you are, I look so forward to every morning that I can scarcely fall asleep at night.

*Sigh* I made a list. Sometimes (ok, most times) I don't get to everything on it, but we get it all done eventually. Feed the horse, bathe the baby, bathe the mommy, put Heidi in her crate before we leave, grocery store, car wash, my my my. Gotta go!!!

What day IS it?

2005-10-31T10:34:00.000-05:00

It's Monday Monday, that day after the too short weekend and the beginning of your week. I have lost track of exactly what day it is. I happen to think of days in terms of things to do. The first and third Mondays are TRASH DAYS. The rest of the days are opportinities to give more love to my precious son. To watch him wake up just a little taller and noticing one more thing each day.

Our days run into each other, with no regard to what was left behind or what might be ahead. Tuesdays we might go grocery shopping, or Sundays we might stay home all day in our pajama's until noon. Thursdays we might go visiting Grandma or GG RocRoc (great grandma) or meet them for lunch where we giggle and laugh together and try to feed the baby ice water and touch a lemon wedge to his tongue just to see his sour face. There are days where naps are long and baths are taken twice, and others where mom's had two cups of coffee instead of one, which makes for short short naps and early bedtimes.

All in all, I'm so glad for each day I have. I'm so so very blessed and am grateful to God every day for the life I've created, by many mis-steps and some purposely directional choices that has landed me here. On THIS day. A Monday. Where when I have to get up and go to work, it is for my son. At home. The best job a Mother could love.

2005-10-28T15:54:00.000-04:00

Mommy and Me

Footed Pajamas

2005-10-28T11:36:00.000-04:00

Well, what do you expect on this mountain top - full of wind, sun and UH OH, I'm being paged by a little man in footed pajamas. His feet aren't cold. But he's missing something; his mommy. Be right back.

(five minutes later)

A short trip down Diaper Change Lane and we're back, baby and blanket in tow, now he's on Nursery Row having a bit of breakfast. He's getting to the age where nursing can not be the only thing he does, I guess this would be called infant multitasking. He's nursing, only to stop and stare wide eyed at the reflection of the sun on the window behind us. Blinking half a minute later, he looks at me like, "hey, what happened to breakfast, I'm trying to eat here" and he goes back to nursing. One minute later he's staring at the deaf dog Heidi chewing on her rawhide. Sensory Input must be more important than food input at this time.

I laugh at him, and he startles, his eyes wide he looks at me as though he forgot he wasn't alone.. then he smiles, his toothless grin and eyes shining love in it's purest form - then he promptly puts his thumb in his mouth, seeing how I wasn't fast enough. This kind of breakfast could take years. He's staring off at the refridgerator, the washer and listening to the hum of the dryer. Which is probably the 5th load of laundry this week. I am amazed at how much laundry a small addition to a family of two can make....

My feet are still cold, but my lap is warm. He's found more interest in looking around rather than eating so I'm here typing with him between me and the keyboard. He's starting to teeth, slobbering and biting on things (his fingers, my fingers, his chew toys) and he's only four months and one week old, and growing so lightening fast. I can hardly believe he was only 7 lbs and 7 ozs at birth. He's GOT to be 16 ++ pounds by now.

We're off to feed the horse now, into the stroller we go - and my feet are bound to get colder. His, are still in his footed pajama's.

THIS time, I really mean it

2005-10-27T11:31:00.000-04:00

I've told myself over and over again, I need to lose weight and be fit. I want to be able to hike, bike and bend over to tie my shoes with the best of them. But, this time, I mean it. Now I really want to be fit for my son. I want to play @ the park, chasing him between the monkey bars and the sand pit, not running out of breath and having to sit down telling him, "come over here honey, mommy's tired".

It's just that simple, don't take in more calories than you are active. But how come it's so complicated? I'm breastfeeding my child, so I have to be careful with restricted calorie intake, lest my milk start to dry up. I need lots of protein, fresh fruit and veggies, and water water and more water. I think I know what it is. I'm not active enough. And there is no real nutritional need for Oreo's and milk at 11pm.

According to those height/weight charts, at 5 feet 3 inches tall, I should weigh approximately 130 pounds. That means I have to lose 50 pounds?!?!? (I haven't weighed that since I was in 8th grade). Although, I have weighed 145 and that was a perfect weight for me. I wore a size 9 without bulges and my breasts weren't quite so pendulous. (will I regret writing that in a blog?) So, what's the plan? (I'm asking out loud here). . . Walking, three to five times per week, for a minimum of 30 minutes. I can do that. Around here, there are lots of hills, so it is initially intimidating until you actually GET THE STROLLER out, pop on the tennis shoes and GO! Oh and I must not forget that rain doesn't count either, I can jump in the car with the kid and get to the nearest mall. Although, that might be tempting - and expensive. But hey, at each ten pound interval, I can reward myself with one new clothing item that fits!

So I start today, and if it isn't an unreasonable goal, I'd like to lose 35 pounds by the time my son is one year old. There we have it folks, a bona fide goal in writing - can't back out now. Or should I say back 'space'. I just really need to do it, and to find the motivation from within, instead of from a magazine, book, or ad on tv for weight loss surgery, it has to come from ME to be real and long lasting.

Off I go to look up a few articles on dieting while breastfeeding and try to adapt it to a lifestyle change, instead of a short term goal. Eddie Jr., this time I mean it.

I didn't write it down

2005-10-26T15:56:00.000-04:00

I should have written it all down. The pregnancy, from beginning to end, the good, and ALL of the bad. I kept saying I would journal, jot it down, get organized and remember the memories. Before I knew it, my Doctor was asking me what time on Tuesday June 21st, I wanted to schedule the birth of my son.
I wanted to be the kind of "mother" that wrote it all down, the dr. visits, the ultrasounds, putting together a keepsake of all keepsakes to treasure. Little did I know that the treasure was yet still inside of me. I didn't write anything down. I can't tell you when I first felt him kick for sure, nor could I tell you when I started to get heartburn and when I finally felt that the pregnancy was really real.
I can only say that now I am so glad he's here and if I never write anything down again for as long as I live, I will never forget each day before and after he was born. He is my morning cup of coffee and my evening herbal tea, and every happy thought in between. The ultimate sacrifice of personal time, and yet, funny enough, I don't remember what I did with all of my time before him.
I couldn't be happier with my life now that he has been born. Every day I get to give him all I've got, whether I have a lot or a little. It doesn't matter to him if I stay in my pajama's until noon, or that we may not go anywhere but to feed the horse for two days in a row.
I didn't write it down, but it's written in my heart's history never to be forgotten or misplaced. I will always remember the password to my heart. It is my son.